Pornography, Pompeii & Incognito mode

In 2020, the median age for first pornography exposure is 11 years old. However new research from the security technology company Bitdefender, has reported children under the age of 10 now account for 22% of online porn consumption in under 18 -years olds. These alarming figures and the fact that throughout the COVID_19 pandemic our children are more online than ever, prompted us to explore the topic further.

For parents, these statistics can be terrifying, but experts agree that talking to your child about pornography is the first step to safeguarding them. Some even go as far as to say that if you are not ready to talk to your child about pornography your child is not ready to access the world wide web. Viewing pornography used to be more prevalent amongst boys, but recent years have shown less of a difference in the way girls and boys are viewing pornography.

At Sassy Llama, we have seen a tremendous upward curve in the amount of times pornography or exposure to harmful content gets brought up in our workshops.

There are two problems we see with porn:

1. What it shows
2. What it neglects to show

Let’s deal with #1 first. Pornography is manufactured. What is shown is a fake depiction of sex. Additionally, the actors & actresses are preforming for the camera. Their bodies & performance are not an accurate depictions of what a real man or woman looks like or acts like. If pornography is your first exposure to sexuality, you might be left with a warped understanding of what sex and your role as a man or a woman is in the relationship. It’s objectifying nature messes with a young person’s sexual identity and creates unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partner in the long run.

Now for #2. Pornography strips sex down to the bare basics. It neglects to show context. This context includes a healthy, loving, mature relationship. The human connection that leads to a sexual relationship is removed. Values such as empathy, compassion, understanding and trust do not feature in pornography.

As parents we have two roles in managing our children’s digital lives: Monitoring & Mentoring. Both of these roles are pivotal from the day children are given online access. Monitoring plays a big role when your children are under the age of 13. This is regulating their online activities and putting rules in place for their digital lives. However, as they grow into teenagers, self-regulation becomes key. Mentoring the values, you’d like to see in them and encouraging open dialogue in the household from birth assists this transition and overtakes the need to monitor as strictly as before.

In line with this M & M approach, what are the things you can do from day one to safeguard your children from the pornography trap?

Monitoring:

• Check your child’s devices. As part of monitoring, checking devices is a necessary evil in the first few years after giving your child online access. Open the device and chat about the photos, conversations & searches in an open discussion with empathy and values at the center of the conversation. Later when trust has been established this can be done with less frequency as he/she starts to self-regulate.
• Install filtering software on their devices. Make sure that you have web filters in place that protect your child from viewing harmful content. Net.Nanny, SafeEyes and Qustodio all work wonders to make your child’s device a safer place.
• Disable incognito browsing. Incognito mode allows a child to open a window within a browser that is isolated from the device’s main session which means that data and history from the browsing session is not collected or stored. Various filtering apps like Qustodio allows you as a parent to disable incognito browsing, thereby making it harder to hide what has been viewed on the device.

Mentoring:

• Validate their curiosity. We were all curious creatures once upon a time. I personally recall dictionary searches of many a dirty term back when I was a teen. Telling your child that being curious is okay and that you were curious once too normalizes their feelings. Knowing that mom and dad are not saints and also made mistakes builds faith that their feelings are normal.
• Don’t over-react. As parents we tend to react with emotion where our children are concerned. The shock realization, that your child has seen all the ugly that the world has on offer is upsetting, but reacting with emotion does nothing to handle the situation logically. Neither does it set the stage for open sharing later on.
• Don’t under re-act. This is not a stage. Pornography is addictive; it is unrealistic, and it can cause major harm to future relationships and gender identity. Do not brush it off with a: “She will grow out of it”-narrative.
• Be open about tech use. From an early age your screen and what you are seeing should be open for discourse at any time. Your smart phone should not be a free-for-all, but should your child want to see what you are giggling about, netiquette dictates that you should be willing to show them the screen. One can only hope that later in their life this openness will translate to the same behavior on their part.
• Talk to them about pornography. The same sex parent or caregiver should talk to the child. Be honest, explain what it is, why it is unrealistic, how it can become addictive and why you feel it’s better to steer clear of it. Explain that the depiction of bodies in pornography as well as the behavior is not real and by no means a measure of how things ought to be. The best result you can hope for is a foundation of open conversation in your home.
• Teach them to distract themselves. Oftentimes the reason for searching or watching pornography is not curiosity, but boredom. Teach your child to distract themselves when tempted to search for pornography. Healthier distractions could be DIY clips on YouTube, exercise or video-calling a friend.

Pornography is as old as time. I will never forget the somewhat questionable imagery carved into the walls of the ancient city of Pompeii (Est. 6th–7th century BC). But over the years the content has evolved to suit a range of tastes as wide as the imagination can stretch and whilst looking at goldfish might tickle a fancy for a period of time it is a slippery slope from goldfish to whales. This variety and extremity is why pornography today is very different from what it was back in Pompeii. At all costs, as parents it is our role to protect and preserve our children wherever they might roam and this includes their digital spaces.